Sunday, June 27, 2010

goodbye, goodbye.. time to leave this behind..

www.mirrorcrisis.tumblr.com
helms || 12:35 AM

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

looking at the last entry, it's been more than a year since i've updated. accidentally clicked on my blog's link and found that people are still reading it. and i wonder why.. it's only filled with nothing more than inputs of my boring and doleful mindtrips that never got me anywhere.

a lot has happened over the year and given my cluttered memory i can't recall it all at once. but i shall share it briefly. i found out about a condition in my body by accident when i went for a check up for another reason. its not a gravely illness, but it has impeded a lot on what i can do in the future, and also im at a much higher risk for certain chronic illnesses. i was put on medication for it, i tried sticking to it for quite sometime, then it got too expensive and i was experiencing too much side effects so i stoppped it, and stopped following up with the specialist altogether. i try not to think about it, and now that ive just mentioned it i feel pretty damned depressed again. speaking of depression, i seeked psychiatrist help too, and was put on medication which didnt leave me any happier, nor sadder, just really indifferent, i didn't think i was human. after sometime i decided to stop it as well. i got pretty sick twice last year i couldnt eat for a week each time and survived on a banana a day. once in a while i still get sick but dont last that long anymore, maybe just a day or two. moving on, ive gotten in and out of relationships here and there in a very disorderly fashion which caused a lot of trouble and me and parties, yada yada, in a nutshell im in a relationship of almost one year now with a nice guy, we're not always stable, but we're trying to make things work, by learning and giving. i'm still working in the hospital, i hardly get time to rest, busy times, and i get headaches very often which makes it really uncomfortable to work, but im hoping that my health would improve so that maybe i can start getting happier too.

meh, that's all for now, id try to update again. thanks for popping by to say hi ;)
helms || 3:24 AM

Saturday, January 03, 2009

A pretty and wistful song by George Harrison..

Never slept so little
Never smoked so much
Lost my concentration I could
even lose my touch
Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud

I made some exhibition
I lost my will to eat
The only thing that matters to me is to
touch your lotus feet
Talking to myself
Crying out loud

Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud
Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
And i'm stuck inside a cloud

Talking to myself
Crying out loud
Only I can hear me
I'm stuck inside a cloud

Never been so crazy
But I've never felt so sure
I wish I had the answer to give
Don't even have the cure

Just talking to myself crying as we part
Knowing as you leave me
I also lose my heart
Talking to myself crying as we part
Knowing as you leave me
I also lose my heart
helms || 12:55 AM

Thursday, December 25, 2008

i'd like to think that im an angsty kid who's just depressed about everything, but no. and then i'd like to think that i'm just a kid sick in my head that maybe drugs would get me straight again, but no. imagine, your whole entire miserable life your brains are just swollen with your own conflicting thoughts, you try to explain it to people who might possibly understand, and you end up no where in the end. dissapointing. and constantly this happens, so much so that you've pretty much given in to the fact that no one would probably understand ever, or at least try to understand the struggle you go through. and then you just give up. day in and out you live in your own world, your lonely, but so what, it's been like that the whole time anyways. i find people so hopeless, and i find myself so helpless.
helms || 9:21 AM

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

never thought i'd go through this, or at least so soon, i'm definately falling into depression like 2 years back.. will prozac help this time. will beer and fags help this time. will i help myself this time. i highly doubt so. i've tried crawling out of this, but like sinking into quicksand, it's pretty futile.. i've always been the average kid, never too smart, never too pretty, never too lucky. yes, im having thoughts of dying in a traffic accident again. you think im silly. but no, i merely just do not treasure life as much. show me a point of living. prove to me that it could be worthwhile. i tried living for myself, and then i tried living for others, i've lost the drive that's needed.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love[repeat]

I feel as if I'm wasted
And I waste everyday
helms || 12:38 AM

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

alright, my one week of leave. it's mid week already, i don't feel rested at all. been out around singapore, staying over at different hotels (my my, The Sentosa Resort was the best) eating a little too much, drinking a little too often. Now i'm seated here with another pint of beer, can't wait to drop off to bed later, before another long day over at sentosa tomorrow.

and i'm skipping halloween this year. all these hype amongst friends has gotten me tired and weary enough. double O and zouk? with the music and mostly the crowd i hate, i don't know why i didn't give any second thoughts before agreeing to go. maybe it's because i've always wanted to dress up as a clown. but on the 4th and 5th thought, being a clown would not make me any happier if i stay at a place i really dislike. aiyah. sorry guys. sorry. sorry. i'd save my red wig and nose, and suspenders and bow tie for some other time, like your birthday. i'd be a birthday clown. kthxbye.. hehehe.. sorry sireeeeeeee
helms || 7:31 AM

Saturday, October 18, 2008

hello you. there, i've got the harddisk and RAM changed, now im back on the line.. sadly my previous files weren't retrievable, all the 10GB of songs and tons of precious pictures i've collected over time are lost, like that. 2012 - won't you kindly send me Weezer again when i've gotten my Live Messenger fixed? thank you..

been sick these coupla days. throat infection and all. gotten MC.. it's a long weekend, only worked for 3 days this week.. hehe.. overdosed myself with vitamin Cs (3600mg per day) to try to get my health back. i'm much better now, still coughin though, and the nose's still running..

very nice, very nice..
helms || 11:29 PM